Ugh. If I had a dollar for every time I said ‘yes’, when I wanted to say ‘no’! I remember as a child, my mom had a book called, “Why Do I Say Yes, When I Want To Say No?” And I thought to myself, who would do that? I mean, you don’t want to do something or go somewhere, just say no! It surely seems simple enough, right?
Then I became an adult. I realized that it’s much easier to say yes to something, even if you don’t want to do it, then it is to say no. Why is that? Why are we programmed to (basically) please, even if it’s to ourselves?
Just Say No
I decided a few years ago, that I would start saying no to things. It wasn’t a popular decision and I was actually questioned quite a bit about it. I was even shamed for not attending family functions because I said ‘no’. Realizing that my health depended on declining invitations to social gatherings and commitments. It was a long time coming and was hard to do at first. I had to give myself permission to say no. Again, it wasn’t the most popular decision. When I started weighing in on how much I stressed over something I had committed to, I began to realize that saying no was beneficial to my health. And in the end, it was freeing!
Saying no to someone else or something else, isn’t where I stopped. I had to learn to say no to myself. I’ve always had the mind frame that I had or could ‘do it all’! I didn’t ever dare to ask for help around the house – after all, for years I was a stay-at-home mom so cleaning, cooking, doing laundry, running the kids around to everywhere and everything, was “my job”. Who would I be if I let something go or asked for help in doing something??? I KNOW I would have felt like a failure. So, I did it all.
But what does that have to do with saying no? Here’s the thing. If I had given myself permission to say no to certain things around the house, I wouldn’t have felt so out of control (or should I say, in control?). If I had said ‘no’ to doing the dinner dishes and asking the hubby to help out with that, then I wouldn’t have felt so stressed with getting the kids moving along with homework and bath time etc. If I had given myself permission to say no to laundry and asked for help in folding, it would have gotten done quicker and I would have saved some of my sanity!
Saying No To Foods
This can go for foods too! How many times are we out with friends or at a family get together and someone makes you feel badly about not trying food being served? There’s been snide remarks or comments, “Oh yea, you ‘can’t’ eat that!” Or worse, “Live a little ….” I don’t fall into that trap anymore. I would feel badly, that I was making the host feel bad ….so I would if nothing else, take a bite of something. And even though I knew full well that the item of food would not sit right in my tummy, I didn’t want to disappoint. You’ve got to know that it’s ok to say ‘no’ and not have to explain yourself. We are so conditioned to explain why we decline and honestly, no should be all we have to say. Saying yes to a food that is problematic just because you don’t want others to “judge”, will only make you feel stressed about the decision AND probably make you feel awful the next day. Love & respect yourself enough to make the decision without regret.
Think It Through
Bringing it to my life today……I give myself more grace. I’m not going to beat myself up for not having my laundry done each week on a particular day. I will say no to making dinner if I know that I have much more on my plate (excuse the pun) that night, than usual. I will say no to working out if I know I’m fatigued and low energy. These are a few examples of what I would have never, ever said no to, years ago! I would have made it all work, no matter what the cost.
Today, I will truly think about whether or not I want to do something. I check my calendar and if I begin to feel any angst about it because I’ve got a pretty full schedule, it’s a ‘no’. There’s no reason to feel badly about it either. If it’s something you can reschedule or fit in at another time – because you want to do it – then by all means, see what works for you. But if it’s honestly something that you are just cringing about committing to, a hard no will suffice.
Our bodies don’t know how to differentiate stress. It’s just felt. The body honestly doesn’t know if you underfed it, if it’s running from a bear or it’s because you said yes, when you wanted to say no….it just feels the stress and reacts accordingly. Stress is handled differently by every one of us but in the end, our health will decline if it’s in a chronic state of stress.
Food For Thought
Here’s my food for thought. Feel free to take it or leave it. Don’t answer right away. I almost never give someone a straight up ‘yes or no’ on the spot. I will always say, “Let me think about it” or “Let me check with my hubby and/or schedule”. And I truly do think about it. There’s no reason to overthink something that you really want to do but my point here is, double check schedules, weigh in how much is going on ….will you feel stressed that you said yes, (even if it’s something you really want to do) BUT there’s just so much going on that particular week? Once you have sat with it for a bit, now you can make your decision without haste.
This works for me and though I continue to struggle with wanting to please and say yes, I make sure to really think it through. I have found that I am at peace once I give my “final answer”. I let it go and be ok with it.
If you’re like me and want to be everything to everyone, even to yourself – just take a step back and step outside yourself. Look in and find an answer that you will be at peace with. It takes practice….trust me! But in the end, you will find that it is freeing and stress will be lifted. This simple change in mindset will be so beneficial to your health. Give yourself the grace and permission to just say no!
